CAMBRIDGE - After over a year of reconstructive efforts, the Stoneteller Brewery is set for reopening today. A large crowd is expected to be on hand for the festivities which will commence at 4 pm.
 Last year’s tragedy, which claimed the lives of 33 Cambridge residents, was the worst brewery accident in over 1000 years of uninterrupted operation.
“We’ve done our grieving,” said brewery spokesperson Gardan Stoneteller. “Sad though it was, it’s time to put it behind us and celebrate life. Can’t think of a better way to start than with Uncle Hiram’s Private Reserve, slightly chilled. We’re hoping for quite a crowd.”
Officials at Cambridge Guard headquarters still haven’t a clue about what happened, although brewery officials are convinced the explosion was sabotage perpetrated by that notorious criminal known locally as “the Giant.” The source of the small mosaic tiles, found scattered over the disaster site last year, are rumored to be somehow linked to the Cult of Chains, but again the Guard is completely useless at figuring out how they might be connected to anything whatsoever.
“The Guard is useless,” complained one citizen who preferred to remain anonymous. “Especially the South Side Patrol. And their leader, that Logan Ghesor, well he’s so bad, I bet he rips the legs off of bugs and spiders in his spare time.
Brewery officials noted that all participants at today’s festival will be offered one drink on the house. Food and additional mugs will be available for a nominal fee with all proceeds to be donated to the families of the victims.
|
City Hero Welling
Welling Mystery Still Unsolved
CAMBRIDGE - The sudden disappearance, one year ago, of city hero Timmon Welling still remains a mystery. City residents now widely suspect foul play, even though other rumors, unsubstantiated, claim that Welling is living in southeastern Longwood and is starting an enterprise of his own. The rumors are probably being spread by those buffoons of the South Side Patrol (who hated city hero Timmon Welling because he was so heroic and they weren’t).
One source said that city safety has dropped remarkably since Welling disappeared leaving “idiots like Logan Ghesor running the show.” The source added, “Hey, don’t quote me on that, or I’ll end up butchered down by the river with Ghesor’s knife in my back. You’re not writing this down, are you? Hey, please, I got kids, I got family. Logan will run me through if you print this. Please,” he whimpered.
CAMBRIDGE - Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine, all through next week. Perfect weather for reopening a brewery.
|
Flame Creature Stalks City
CAMBRIDGE - Local officials are baffled (big surprise) by reports of a horrible flame creature which has stalked the city for the past six months. Numerous individuals, all petty criminals by most accounts, have really gotten burned when this vicious elemental appeared. Sparks of controversy have ignited serious concerns over the city’s safety.
“It’s time to eliminate this sort of threat,” said political aspirant Thomas Wheeler. “Cambridge is no place for such cruel monsters. May they go back to hell and rot there.”
A speaker for the Cambridge City Guard flippantly suggested that the monster hadn’t hurt anybody that didn’t deserve it, so why make such a fuss.
New Church Set For Grand Opening
CAMBRIDGE - A brand new church will grace the skyline of Cambridge come May. The all new Church of the Holy Suffering will open its doors on May 17. The church is nearly complete, having been constructed from the ruins of the old Schubert’s Palace on the south side of the city.
“It’s a very holy place,” said priestess Olivia Thane. “It has a long history of suffering, which of course we will help to ease with our devotions. All who are suffering will come to us for help in understanding the mysteries of God and why God has given us pain and suffering."
Other clergy in the area declined to comment on the plans for the new church and will not attend the opening.
|
Porcupines Return To Portage
PORTAGE - A year after exploding porcupines first invaded a number of homes in the Cambridge suburb of Portage, the prickly beasts have returned, just as mean-tempered as ever.
“Skillets is best,” drawled long-time resident Sophy Miller. “Keep one right thar below mah bed. Right handy. Jes’ whack them little varmints twixt the eyes and they go all fuzzy eyed and blows up. I ducks under the covers and lets them quills get stuck in the wall an’ not me.”
DILMORN - The country’s merchant houses have reported excellent financial results for 6993. The Dilmorn Trading Company, which established an outlet in Cambridge last year, reported profits up 230%. The Crossbunch Merchants Guild said their business improved 145% and the Seaview Merchants Company of Fitch brought in results at 185% of the previous year.
Warehouse owner Rufus Tines, of Cambridge, acknowledged that his dealings with the DTC had brought him a respectable amount of wealth. He has purchased an additional four warehouses along the river and has plans to purchase another ten before the end of next year.
CAMBRIDGE - The City Garden Club is offering orc fertilizer for sale, said club president Kara Fitzsimmons. The recent rash of dead orcs appearing in club member’s gardens made this possible.
|
