EAGLE POINT - Hopeful maidens of Eagle Point were stunned this morning by news that Constable Bart had eloped with some hussy from Central Point. Details of the ceremony are incomplete, but eye witnesses claim that over 200 were there to see the happy couple off on their honeymoon, although absolutely no one who’s anyone from Eagle Point was given any invitation whatsoever.
“Soon to be Ex-constable Bart bears a striking resemblance to the son of the harlot he’s marrying,” said Stephanie Winthrop, 16, of Eagle Point who is most disappointed that Bart is now off the dating circuit.
“And she’s expecting another, too,” complained Fedora Snodgrass, 17, also of Eagle Point, “but hah hah on Bart, this one isn’t his, ‘though she said it was his to drag Bart to the altar.”
“I hear she runs a brothel in Central Point,” said Jevana Winthrop, 19, Stephanie’s unmarried older sister. “She’ll probably want to open one here, too, and you know what happens after that. The nerve of that woman. Oh my poor Bart,” she exclaimed.
Constable Bart was not available for any comment, although reliable sources place him in Central Point.
Ogre Bloodroot In Short Supply
EAGLE POINT - Mages from all across Longwood have convened recently in Eagle Point with hopes of increasing their stores of the rare and valuable ogre bloodroot. Tempers have run hot as competition for the treasured herb has produced happy winners and sore losers. City elders are reviewing the problem.
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Petrified Roses Mystery Continues
EAGLE POINT - The mystery surrounding the recent rash of petrified roses will remain unsolved for at least another few weeks. Visiting scholar Karla Fitzsimmons of Cambridge was unable to shed any light on the problem which has spoiled several prize gardens here in town.
“There are quite a few theories but none tickle my petunias,” said Fitzsimmons, “My advice is to try some of my very special fertilizer. That solves all of my problems right away. We’re having some shipped in next week and then we’ll see about these roses!”
City gardening experts are awaiting the shipment with a great deal of expectation.
Goblin Sightings On The Increase
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Mrs. White Concerned
Brothel Planned
EAGLE POINT - City elders have expressed grave concerns over news that formerly respectable clergyman Amistal Revendale plans to open a brothel somewhere in Eagle Point. “I’m very upset,” said city spokeselder Vannie White. “This is the last thing this town needs. Why couldn’t he have settled for a brew pub, or maybe a nice little massage parlor. Well, I hope he doesn’t forget the new zoning laws.”
When asked about which zoning laws,White replied, “Why, the ones we’re going to pass just as soon as we figure out where he’s going to open up shop.”
The Reverend Revendale was not reachable for comment, but sources placed him somewhere in the Bredigan Marshes consorting with vagabonds and other undesirable elements. City elders are investigating a possible connection to Constable Bart's activities in Central Point.
MELBECK - Local weather prognosticator Emit Wilson says we’re in for more hot, muggy days, with a small chance of thundershowers.
“If they’s a thunder shower,” claimed Wilson, “it’s gonna be a doozy!”
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Bredigan Trove Wins Big Contract
EAGLE POINT - Darmey Davidson has secured an impressive contract with the DTC. Recent forays into the Bredigan Marshes have apparently yielded herbs sorely needed by DTC customers in Cambridge. The DTC will issue a statement sometime in the next month or so, sources said today.
New Brew Pub and Massage Parlor
SHADY COVE - Residents of Shady Cove eagerly await the opening of the town’s first brew pub and massage parlor. Owner Tannis Wyle, a long time Cambridge resident, beamed with pride over his new establishment.
“We’re completely legit,” he claimed. “No hanky panky in my shop. Ya’ll come in for a brew, stick around for a fine, muscle-bending massage.”
Shady Cove Mayor Tad Flighty was reached for comment while enjoying his first mug at the new establishment. “Murmph,” he mumbled while a voluptuous young blonde woman kneaded his shoulder muscles. “Grphyx mmfles hubert,” he whimpered.
Pub Owner Tannis Wyle
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